He says he loves me. He says it when no one can hear. I know he loves me. He shows me when no one can see. Love should be so simple but life is so complex.
He wants to keep me away from the public eye so that my very existence cannot taint him. Yet the thing he is afraid of isn’t me. It it inside of him. It goes where he goes and he cannot escape himself. These feelings he wants to suppress overflow like lava and each eruption confirms that he is not who he wants to be. So he has placed our love in a cage. A well defined place with limits and boundaries. He puts me in purdah behind a rainbow screen and, because he can’t deny himself, he denies me.
At the moment he hates himself and by seeing all that he hates in himself reflected in me, he hates me. He could start down the long road to self acceptance. If he could learn to love himself as he is, our love would be so different. I cannot tell him what to do. He needs to make these decisions for himself.
I am what I am. I am my own special creation. But so is he.
Once I lived in a beautiful town on the bank of a river. Kind people and happy faces were in no short supply as I pottered about. My life was built around casual conversation and good coffee. I was living in paradise. Why did I leave?
Well I suppose the main factor was that I lost my job. My employer pushed me into getting a diagnosis of Aspergers and then seemed unsure what to do with it. That uncertainty sat over me like a cloud and brought a great deal of unhappiness. I locked my heart, steeled my soul and tried to protect myself. I was told that I wasn’t wanted. They were guilty of disability discrimination and they knew it. My silence was bought and paid for but the hurt and the shame came at a higher price than money.
I ran away. I travelled to the other side of the world and kept moving. For now, I am living in a beautiful town on the bank of a river. Kind people, happy faces and good coffee percolate my soul. Having lost paradise, I am not trying to regain it but it seems to follow me. I am a traveller now. I don’t want to settle and build a life. I want to keep moving, keep changing until eventually, the fear of losing is lost. The shame will subside and the hurt will heal. Then I will find paradise for I know where it is. It’s locked away safely in my heart.
So a man decided to attack Parliament in London. The man was a Muslim. This was a terror attack. The logic is very simple. However this simplistic logic can be quite dangerous. There are extra police on the streets of Britain. Sadly what is feared most now is not another attack on the highly protected mother of all parliaments, but an attack on ordinary Muslims living in the U.K.. Why would anyone do that? Islamophobia apparently, but surely its just good old fashioned stupidity served with a dash of post-imperial racism. A Muslim man attacked Parliament so let’s should attack someone with the same religion. Or even more ridiculous let’s expect someone of that religion to explain the motivation behind the attack and a solution to ISIS and Syria while they are at it.
I know what fills me with terror and it’s not terrorists. I see people, scared people, not terribly intelligent people, who are filling themselves with hate and anger. This vitriol is then hurled indisciminately at people who are in some sense, other. It could be Muslims, gays, the disabled, blacks, Europeans, Asians or intellectuals. There are a lot of people in the world to hate and ironically, the narrower the mind, the broader the hate spectrum. We need a war on that kind of terror. We need to educate the ignorant and reduce the threat of prejudice. So let’s choose a phobia and start to gently wipe the fear from the minds the scared people.