I am always out and about, I mingle and chatter and socialise my way through the day. Every morning I go out and drink a coffee and engage in the social niceties of everyday life. I might go to the market and pick up a few bits and bobs or maybe to the “drink shop” which sells a selection of western food. Then after a quick change into my working clothes I change roles and stand in front of a wild hoard of grade one pupils and attempt to teach for three hours. After work I sometimes have a beer with a colleague or head off to the night market for some noodles. I lead a fairly easy life.
Yesterday I had a day off. I took a day off from everything. I reclused. I pottered around my tiny flat and did not venture forth into the world. A chance to recharge the batteries and have a little down time. I like people a lot but they tire me out. On The Asperger Path I try very hard to be outgoing and interested in the world around me. The social skills I possess are well honed and subtly employed but they are still learnt tools and coping mechanisms. I am not naturally interested in people and in my head I file facts about people so I can remember pertinent questions to ask. This man has a daughter and that woman has started a new job. I follow up on the information I have. I play my role but I need those cue cards
Yesterday I talked to nobody. I had a day off from trying to fit in. Some time spent away from other people expectations. There is no loneliness in soltitude for me. I only feel isolation in a crowd. I read messages badly and the unspoken rules trip me up. When I do say something wrong or inappropriate I shrivel inside and the fear of that creates a lurking anxiety. If I get excited and start rattling and prattling I suddenly catch myself and my awkward unawareness leaves me floundering as I scan faces to see if I’ve overstepped one of the invisible lines. On my own life is much more tranquil.
All the world’s a stage and one man plays many parts. Yesterday I was just me. I had no entrances or exits. I spent my day off stage.